ALTERED IMAGES – Mental Health.

When first diagnosed as being mentally ill, I felt as if the world had collapsed on me, I did not know what I could do or where to turn. But here I was with a diagnosis I did not understand, and it sounds very very scary. I had heard all the stuff that is associated with Psychosis, that it turns you into a mass murderer like Jack the Ripper, or Ed Bundy, Norman Bates but in all honesty, it does not have that effect. We are humans, I am just like you if you cut me I bleed red blood, you hurt me I don’t feel pain and emotion like you all do. Or it may be a simple case I do not recognize the emotions; some have described this part of psychosis as being one of a robotic feeling you just keep going until you crumble.  As this is something I have done for years, when I enter the stage I crumble this can be hell for many people, I don’t live a life not one like you.   The voices I hear and the sounds as well as the lights and sensory perceptions I can only describe as going into overdrive.  But with writing these feelings feed through to my work, although I will say that the in a way the work I do does benefit from this. As this is not always the case I can spend the days just staring at the screens, and nothing was coming out, or running a knife along my arm to cause a degree of pain to break how I feel, stop the voices, but I can work through it.  Psychosis takes many forms some of which are the visual and auditory hallucination, intense paranoia this can make me feel like people are out to get me, but I have one friend who is with me constantly reassuring me that everything is alright.   In fact, paranoia plays a big part, in why I did not set foot in the writing world sooner. Even though a lot of people have said to me to write the insecurity and paranoia has held me back as well as the years of put downs by my family but with help, there is a way through and brighter better days do lie ahead of us.  I’m not sure how many can use the things they see and hear in the way do, but for me, it helps to work out the stories I allow the voices to tell their stories and the descriptions I see in my mind to help form the book.   But please I want to say I am one of the lucky ones who can speak out there’re other sufferers who are unable to discuss this with anyone whether through fear of persecution or being told that they are not normal.  Stigma seems to as always appears to stem from fear, mainly the fear of the unknown so how do we lift the fear now that is easy it is raised by spreading the knowledge and changing one person’s perceptions of the mentally ill.   Depression    This has been a condition I have had since, I was three and a half, although this was something we were unaware of . until I was a  teen. And still even though I had tried to commit suicide I survived and slipped through the net this was not something my mother had screwed up on it was the fault of the doctors, there is no point me saying. What if I had been given the diagnosis at an early age would life be different? The answer is we don’t know.   I carried a lot of Grief and anger over the years, and yes it still hurts and affects me a lot the hatred I have suffered by my flesh and blood as well as those at school even I did not think the lasting damage of years of bullying.  I was the child who would stay by herself at playtime and not interfere or get involved with anything, the school was the start of a slippery slope and bullying, my home life is something hard to discuss, but this did not help matters.  My depression which was undiagnosed at that time came worse and would often hit hard and fast; I would call out for my father and often wanted to join him but to people around me saw it as me living in the past.   According to the doctors moving house could have been one big trigger as I moved from the house my dad lived with us before his death from cancer in the early eighties.  There is a theory that cancer treatments such as chemotherapy and radiotherapy can cause mental health issues in unborn children now as I am someone born during the time chemo and radiation therapies had been given complications arose, and I am lucky that I was not born with more severe complications.   By that I mean chemotherapy and radiation, both my brother and I were born prematurely.  I was born with asthma, glue ear to the point I could not talk until I was older hence missing out on my formative years, I had delayed walking due to balance and what they diagnosed as delayed grief, I have an undiagnosed condition which affects my grammar.  But still I am here rising to the point of life where I am aiming for better and brighter future, I want to raise awareness of mental health in a bid that we can see that it is through writing and talking about spreading the knowledge.

Inaccurate belief on psychosis –  In all honesty, this does not make someone a freak or a mass murderer.

Psychosis Accurate – Is something which as paranoia, auditory and visual hallucinations and many other things which can include delusions.  Fear stops people from getting the help they need; it is a crippling symptom which stops people talking about their feelings and often how they think, what they think.  Individuals with this feel isolated and often terrified beyond words, it is a condition which hard to describe.

Depression  Inaccurate belief – People with depression are liars, idiots, freaks, weak-willed, hypochondriacs, waste of time, waste of space, don’t deserve to breathe the same air as people.

DEPRESSION Is – Well there is a full note on this in the notes depression is the feeling of despair, sadness, loneliness, worry, strength and many other things. It is a scary time to be in the thick of a mental breakdown, or a depressional state.   It is raw emotions which may or may not require medication, to treat it successfully this is something that often overlooked especially in young children.   It is a feeling of intense low mood a darkness you could never get out of, an atmosphere where you feel there is nothing good in the world nothing left for you.   My first book is a book of poetry based on these emotions. Depression is a silent killer, the bullet we put in the gun, as the candle burns slowly, depression is the silencer on the gun, the silent killer waiting to go off.

Anxiety Inaccuracies- Having anxiety is not a big deal, Anxiety is an issue from impoverished childhood, People who have anxiety should avoid what causes it, The disorder will resolve itself, unwinding with an alcoholic drink can help, it is born from trauma, it is hard to relate to someone with the condition.

Anxiety is – a state of constant nervousness many forms like the one I have agoraphobia, is certainly not something to laugh. Although Agoraphobia is a severe anxiety, there are types which are not as severe.  I do not now why I am so nervous, but I am willing to face it and tackle it by leaving the house and able to cross the threshold although I am not able to exit the house alone. As this is something I want to be able to do, and I am aware that if I am wanted to do an interview or signing, then it is something I have to face.  We all suffer the anxiety of all levels every day of our lives a writer is nervous at how the readers will accept the books, an actor is nervous how the audience will receive or perceive a role he plays; A musician is nervous at how the record will sell or how a concert will be. A teacher is nervous during the school day; a parent is worried about their child’s first day.  Do you see how normal anxiety is?  We all have it some more than others, but if you say that you have it to the point you can’t leave the house you’re a target for the malicious rumours, attacks on you or the property.  If I was to avoid the thing that caused my anxieties like the occupations I have mentioned was to avoid theirs, what would happen? If a doctor who was about to perform his first life-saving operation refused to go ahead what would happen?   Just think a minute the writer would not write, the singer would not sing and the entertainer would not entertain. No fear or anxiety resolves itself you can not sit in the chair and say I will be better tomorrow, No you have to work at the recovery face it and if it is bad enough to take medication for it the this is something that will ease.  Yours have to face the fear or whatever is causing you the anxiety in the first place. There was a time I could not leave the house, now I can stay with my best friend by me. I still have someone I need to meet but that hurdle is something I can’t cross but I will one day, as I have written books of poetry which mean I have the capability to come nerves over.  Why is it hard to relate to someone with nerves? You probably do it every day of your lives without realising it, a public speaker, the local police officer, the local mayor, etc. I struggle to talk to strangers, but I face that fear every day I do not want the illness’s to win so I like many others fight.

But the thing is that you can change your life, the outlook on it and how you feel if you strive for better and NEVER GIVE UP. 




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